Yes, that’s me. One of the many titles I currently carry, but not one that I wanted.
This is what happens to an only daughter of two “only children”. There are no aunts, cousins, or sisters to share in the responsibilities. It sits all on my shoulders.
These are the things that I think about as I push the mower back and forth. In perfect neat rows….at my father’s house. I don’t mow my own yard, but when my father goes out of town, I do this chore for him.
Lately, I have been having some deep thoughts about these responsibilities and decisions my mother had always made. Activities to do on the weekends, meals to serve, gatherings to organize, events in which need attending to represent the family, and holidays to plan. I guess you could say, I have been reminiscing about the simple olden days and my lack of any decisions that I had to make.
This time last year is when I started helping my Dad take care of Mom and I started stepping into this roll. She was getting bad and could not be left alone, but she wasn’t at the point of hospice care. I remember the difficult choices I had to make. Not being able to attend the children’s end of the year activities in order to give my Dad some relief. The children had to spend a huge amount of time with the babysitter instead of me.
I had never had that wonderful mother daughter relationship. Ours was stress filled, guilt filled, and someone always ended with hurt feelings. I had hope that we might have had an amazing change in our relationship at the end, but not so much…. Despite this, I think of her all the time. I wish I could still call her on the phone to ask those stupid questions I constantly have. Show her my new purchase or crafts that I created. Get her advice about things with the kids. Most of all, my heart just aches when the kids hit a milestone and she is not there to share the experience.
It will be a year in July since she passed away from cancer. I have been to the cemetery less than a handful of times. I have tried to fill the gap she has left, but I clearly am lacking in some areas. I just hope that I can be the best mom for my kids and that they can have a good solid relationship with me for many many years to come.