Tag Archives: feelings

Black clouds overhead

Do you ever have one of those days or even week were it seems like a black cloud is floating overhead?

My cloud has been there for what seems forever. Thanksgiving was a bit off this year. Our first one without Oma. She was the one to plan and coordinate the menu. Always incorporating some new recipes to spice things up. I was the one to host and clean up. This year our dear friends Nonny and Papa Don invited us to celebrate with them. It was very nice and the meal was yummy, but it felt off.

I normally decorate the house the weekend after, but I didn’t have it in me. Hubby brought up the boxes and with much insistence from the children, I “assembled” our tree. Ms. A took over and decorated the tree with the help of Mr. D. Literally, the children did it all. I sat and watched. Nothing else was unpacked and nothing else is displayed. I am done. I want no more.

I can make no plans this holiday because we don’t even know if we will be here. Tomorrow our paperwork will be picked up from the consulate and then sent on the last leg of this unbelievable long journey. It will go to Beijing to get assigned a travel approval. At least that is what I think is happening. They say this can take anywhere from 9 days to 4 weeks. That leaves me in the air. The first family in our original LID group is home with their daughter. I can just look at a picture.

There are so many things to be thankful for. So many things to enjoy with my family. So many things to do and get done…..

This wait is official hitting me hard. The holidays are tough without Oma. I miss my daily talks with her. I miss making holiday plans. I miss talking about my holiday gift purchases. I miss bouncing ideas off of her.

I feel bad about how I currently look. I have stopped exercising. My weight is creeping up.

I need to get out of this mood. I need to start feeling better. I need to get some energy. I need to get it together.

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Filed under adoption, Family

She made me cry today.

I walked out of the room today. I didn’t want to hear her yelling at me. I feel like I am a small child again. Doing something that displeased her and waiting for my punishment.

The morning started fine. I had brought my iPad over to show her some pictures of Ms. A’s last day of school. While flipping through, she sees the picture of the scooter. Then it started….an intense lecture about always getting want I wanted. It then moved into the topic of my finances and she even touched into the topic of me being irresponsible. I sat there and bit my tongue. Knowing from experience that it was better to ride the wave than fight it. I was overwhelmed, I wanted to fight back, my feelings were so hurt.

She then says to me she wanted to sleep, so I left the room.

I took a deep breath and went outside to talk to my Dad. He had ordered some mulch and was working in his yard. I told him what happened. He listened and nodded. He made no comments. He then asked if I brought the phone out with me. I had forgotten, so I headed back to the house. I was only gone a few minutes and when I returned I heard her yelling for me.

“Where did you go….why didn’t you hear me….I’ve been yelling forever….the laundry is done….get your Dad”

I told her that I’ll would take care of the laundry. Still yelling, she tells me I don’t know how and it needs to be hung on hangers. I told her that this is something that I can do. I went to the laundry room and I find the machine was still going. I say to her that the wash was not done and she still was yelling at me about the hangers.

I stop and looked at her. I then walked out of the room.

I know she is dying. I know she is constantly in discomfort. But for some reason…..I guess I had thought that maybe she would have wanted to spend this time together with me. I had thought we might talk, tell stories, and just remember things.

No….I just feel worthless after our visits. Nothing can be done right. Every conversation is turned to a lecture.

I have very selfish feelings. I am leaving the kids to the care of a babysitter. I am neglecting my household chores. I am missing my friends because of this schedule. When I do get home, I am in such a foul mood. So short with the kids and Hubby. I am not being a good mom. I yell at the littlest thing. I realize I am taking it out on my family. I feel so bad about that. I am so sorry about that.

I want to walk away.

I want it to be over.

I come back for my Dad. He is alone. It’s not fair.

I have been sitting on the deck with the phone. I go in to check on her. She is now asleep. My Dad walks in, he has come in to check the laundry…….

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Filed under Family